Well the bosses were gone and got back the 20th. That was fun! Jay hated every second of it because I was "never" home. Yeah OK.
Gasp! I know! Two weeks! Man I lost time I guess.
Well the bosses were gone and got back the 20th. That was fun! Jay hated every second of it because I was "never" home. Yeah OK. So just for the sake of an update: Life is moving, still here, and still stressed. I will update better tomorrow cuz well I t
0 Comments
Today started out just horrible... I had my oldest son grab a set of keys before going home and those keys suddenly decided to hide. So this morning because I felt like I was looking for said keys by myself with NO help from J, I was in a rage. It got so bad that I actually broke down in the kitchen and starting crying. I was so sad I got so mad but these keys are important at my job and I couldn't loose them at all, and yet they are gone. I blamed my son for misplacing them, tore up every spot I could think of where they'd be, and then took the boys to school. I couldn't bring myself to clean the room at the time but I did try to do some before I had to go to work, which was then not gonna happen because Jay wanted to go out for breakfast. I did find my set of keys and had them so the maid could do the rooms, but still I just felt like J didn't care to get off his ass to help me look and he'd get mad at Sebastian and then blamed me for letting our son take them without telling him. Uh, I did. Before coming back to work, J was trying to get the girls to clean up some of the mess and yet had the TV on and was listening to music with headphones while still laying on the bed. WTH! Here he tells me the kids don't clean cuz they don't see me doing it... What?! Who is home with them more than me right now, who is the one who fights with them to do their stuff and yet it doesn't get done! I WONDER WHY! So I gave him my two sense and told him he needed to get out more or do more instead of getting up set with the kids for not cleaning up when he doesn't even show he will help. At least I will hold bags and pick up some with them, I don't like the TV on because it distracts them, and I won't just sit back and ignore them just to "wake up" and get mad cuz things aren't done while I wasn't paying attention. Yeah... Nice Valentines Day. *sigh* I did a big picture today because it is a beautiful one I took of a sun dog just outside the window of the office. If you don't know what it is, I will explain a bit. Sun dogs are the little reflection rainbows that show up around the sun kind of like dog ears, and there are times where only the sides are seen and times where you can see it surround the sun completely. I have seen it even just show up in small patches at like N, W, E, S points of the sun.
This one was very nice because it actually extends out into the sky and fades, kind of like looking at a flat galaxy from the side and the middle of it is puffed out. Very awesome sight. I feel I can appreciate these types of miracles a bit more and more everyday that I connect with my Higher Power. The one I've know was there for me every step but I had lost my way through tangled messes and dark passages. She supports me in ways I couldn't comprehend before and now to look back I can see those times I thought I didn't have enough strength but eventually did. I've missed this and gladly cherish it again with more love and hope. I can't think of any type of picture to put up today so I'm going bare. It's day 4 of work with no bosses and I think I am doing well...
Except today - Jay came up to sit with me, brought the girls, and while snacking on some mini muffin things I commented that it'd be a good idea to have them for sale here. Jay said that would be stupid and in a tone that just made me feel stupid and dumb for saying something. I dunno.. then other things happened.. just glad it is calm and quiet and just waiting to go home. Question today: What is your ideal hour? In one hour ( any hour ) what would you do instead of what you should be doing? Be creative! So - I really am not sure what I want to say today. I know I want to say something but then I am unsure of how to word it and hoping it isn't another weird rant that no one wants to know. I tend to do that~ I guess I just want to say that I am not perfect... I have my failures, my mess ups, and my bad days. I have the times where I regret that decision to do that ONE thing, or multiple times I repeated that stupid thing and yet did it again... I wake up those next days with that pit down in my stomach just pulling all the other emotions into it's black hole, never to surface for the day unless something happens to pull at it. I am only human. Only a mother. Only a woman. Only. Human. I screw up, I fuck things up badly, I try to fix it and make it worse. Hell times I give up and it becomes chaos! I admit I am wrong, defenseless and hopeless in those situations... just like I admit I an completely powerless against my husbands addictions to the multitude of things he just can't help anymore. Step One: Admit that you are powerless. I am. But I am also strong. Are you? "Come Away, Come Away, Death" BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE Come away, come away, death, And in sad cypress let me be laid. Fly away, fly away, breath; I am slain by a fair cruel maid. My shroud of white, stuck all with yew, O, prepare it! My part of death, no one so true Did share it. Not a flower, not a flower sweet, On my black coffin let there be strown. Not a friend, not a friend greet My poor corpse, where my bones shall be thrown. A thousand thousand sighs to save, Lay me, O, where Sad true lover never find my grave, To weep there! I was in high school when i seen this play on TV in the middle of the night, not sure what it is but that song still pops in my head a lot over really odd and hard times. I always thought of it as a suicide note in a way but I don't know.. I guess I wanted to share it because it just makes me feel OK. I can't find the right sound I heard it as, but this is close enough. Lately there have been people I talk to or have observed be so down because a loved one, family or lover, has been a huge problem. There is really NO cure for a broken heart - at least not in my experience... - But there are ways to make it feel better. As long as you can face forward, walk on your own feet, and believe things are good for you, it's a start. I can only really go on my own experience and knowledge here, but It does slowly get better. You need to make the effort though. You cannot go through life mourning that lost feeling from anyone around you, you can't always replace it, and you definitely can't fill it with something more harsh. At 11, I was really liked a guy who was a few years older than me. At this point in my life I was drinking a little, in a small time band playing keyboards and singing, and was trying drugs. I had this crush on him and he was 'awesome' to me at the time. As soon as I expressed my feelings to him (I was bold, and not I'm not) we were suddenly a couple, and for me it was everything I wanted... Took a few months before his real side came out. It was yelling at me for being slow getting out of a class, or school all together, or even not calling him back. To everyone else he was still that guy I thought I loved. --- Hitting came next... I was 12 when it get bad but he was sure not to do it to make bruises in visible spots. I knew then I wasn't in a good thing, i was scared, and so I did more drugs, drank more... Lasted another year and a half before I figured out that what he was doing with me at night.. sneaking in my window because if I didn't leave it open enough, he threatened to break it.. forcing himself on me, again threats to hit me or worse.. I was 14 when I got pregnant.. I was able to hide it for the most part.. My dad was never home and I didn't have my mom around since they were divorced.. my siblings weren't there for me either.. I almost lost Nera because he got really mad one night, pushed me down a set of cement steps then punched me in the stomach. And thats all I really remember. I blacked out a lot of that relationship, and for good reason, even now I get sick feelings because of the thought of him even though he can't do it again, can't find me, and I know I am safe. Moved away after I had Nera, gave her up, and got clean. Finished high school... Went on with my life. I went with my bisexual side after that, until I met my husband, Jason, really. Yeah, I slept with guys because it was a basic need for me once and awhile, nothing BOB could help with y'know. My girlfriends were all temporary because something just didn't fit I guess. I still get fits of bad dreams of being crushed by air and not being able to breath, having a fear of dying like that. So even though I am content with my life, I can't always be happy bcause my heart isn't full, even with my kids. I hate it but I deal. I have to. What else is there? Below is a quote I have to share because it made me giggle and agree! No man is lonely while eating spaghetti; it requires so much attention. So we have been trying to get our kids to learn better household manners - ie treat your things nicely. It is a long uphill battle I know, but if we can't teach them how to take care of what they have, then what will they do when they can get their own stuff? That ties in to my husband's addiction in my opinion as he wants bigger, better, nicer stuff but yet doesn't really want to work for it. When he does then it's great, no worries... its the times he wants it and if we don't have the means to get it --- that's when that addict comes out, whether he is active or not. He becomes a jerk that has to get his way. Has to be how he wants it or nothing else will work. And if anything is wrong at the same time, well we're all in a heap of trouble. Being clean myself since 1997, I guess I can't say I struggle how he does and I don't have the same mental issues either, but I still get that it is frustrating not getting what I want when I want it. I am more patient, I grew up with a dad who never asked if we wanted anything, got us what we absolutely needed with a few side extras - if anything, HE got what he wanted (Model airplanes, accessories to go with them, and other things) and my siblings and I dealt with what we had. In my case, I never cared to ask for a lot, I didn't want it. Up until '97 I was popping this, drinking that, failing school among other hard things including a very bad bad relationship which still gives me nightmares. After moving away from those things, I went into a shell and lost all motivation. I was suicidal for many years throughout high school and hid it all best I could, avoided friendships (lil town helped with that part), and along the way I lost a girlfriend and my first born (whom i gave up). I don't want to go into details and I know i'm not making sense... I guess I am trying to say between me and my husband, I'm OK with the most minimum things where he has to have nice awesome things. It's rubbing off on our kids, but they are that new generation type too so far, better computers, tablets, phones... Xbox and games... TV and whatever is on the screen... I just want to be able to teach them that unless they can take care of it before moving away, they may not even get those things without even harder work and less reward... and This is hard! I'm almost glad right now that my kids aren't each a year apart from one another, i think it'd be too hard to go through the teen years like that, it'll be tough enough doing one every three years. My Question Today is -- With children nowadays knowing there will always be that next new thing, is it going to continually get harder to teach them moderation in all things? |
Jen DI will try to write daily but I will definitely get a blog post in weekly between kids, work, school, and life in general. Archives
April 2016
|