So today was already planned, Jay OKed it even earlier this week... yet he found a reason to get pissed. Today we had a bunch of rooms at work that were needing to leave and they had to be cleaned because we had them all booked for the next two days... I agreed to help, Jay said it was OK and go ahead and help. But apparently his idea of help was the same as mine or my boss's...
My idea: I was asked to strip beds, make them again and help pick up trash and empty bins. I did so, nothing more and nothing less. I went through 10 rooms with the maid, i made 7 rooms had two beds and 3 had one. I made all the beds, 95% of them i did alone. I had to go get sheets and blankets, whatever I needed, I didn't ask for any help from the maid or anyone to get me things.
His idea: Sit out there and maybe take out some trash and make a few beds.
I'm sorry but I agreed to do what needed to be done to help get rooms ready. HELL, some of the people showed up before noon! before their rooms were even touched and still wanted to get in them. We had a heck of a time tryin to do those before the ones not here already. it was hard. it hurt. it sucked ass.... and during the whole time, Jay was there yelling and screaming at how i do more for my job than my family. Well FUCK yeah i do, we need the money, I love my job and i love my family, and MONEY is what needs to be made so WE can live! WTF else am I supposed to do? Try and get another job I hate just to appease him? To work 8 hour shifts 5 days a week and expect him to buck up as a father and a human being just to do things around the home that I'm expected to do even with what I work now.. yet he doesn't pick up a thing ---
I asked him to do a few dishes before breakfast yesterday to help out our son Sebastian, he'd been slacking a lot so there were a few in the sick (Not bad mind you but there)... today he said something along the lines that I shouldn't have asked and should've just done them myself instead. I wasn't cooking breakfast, I didn't need it, I was taking care of the kids and having some fun time before I had to work and do errands. Unlike him who doesn't work and plays games all day, specially WHILE I am at work.
I said I felt like a single parent of 5 kids because I had to do things for him he could do for himself. I feel like I have to do things for him because if I don't, he won't, and then he'll be pissed at me for not doin it to begin with.. it's a cycle that just has infinite possiblities but always ends up at the same start point.
I love him... I do... I have stuck by this man for 11 years now, through addictions, threats towards my family members (even if I didn't like them either) and complete break downs of mental capacity. I love him. I can't help it. Either I can live with this fact that my husband will never change this path or I can get off of it soon enough to show him it isn't a good one for me or our children, because it isn't. I see that and have seen it for awhile.
I fear the loneliness I will face, the lack of love of another adult, the complete void of compassion of a lover, and the saddness knowing I may cause pain in Jay so harsh he forgets to do what he needs to survive. That last fear alone is the worst of them all because for the sake of my children, they need their father... may not always like him, may pretend to hate him and loath him as they grow, but in the end they will always love him and he won't know it if he isn't here. That weighs my mind heavily ...
My idea: I was asked to strip beds, make them again and help pick up trash and empty bins. I did so, nothing more and nothing less. I went through 10 rooms with the maid, i made 7 rooms had two beds and 3 had one. I made all the beds, 95% of them i did alone. I had to go get sheets and blankets, whatever I needed, I didn't ask for any help from the maid or anyone to get me things.
His idea: Sit out there and maybe take out some trash and make a few beds.
I'm sorry but I agreed to do what needed to be done to help get rooms ready. HELL, some of the people showed up before noon! before their rooms were even touched and still wanted to get in them. We had a heck of a time tryin to do those before the ones not here already. it was hard. it hurt. it sucked ass.... and during the whole time, Jay was there yelling and screaming at how i do more for my job than my family. Well FUCK yeah i do, we need the money, I love my job and i love my family, and MONEY is what needs to be made so WE can live! WTF else am I supposed to do? Try and get another job I hate just to appease him? To work 8 hour shifts 5 days a week and expect him to buck up as a father and a human being just to do things around the home that I'm expected to do even with what I work now.. yet he doesn't pick up a thing ---
I asked him to do a few dishes before breakfast yesterday to help out our son Sebastian, he'd been slacking a lot so there were a few in the sick (Not bad mind you but there)... today he said something along the lines that I shouldn't have asked and should've just done them myself instead. I wasn't cooking breakfast, I didn't need it, I was taking care of the kids and having some fun time before I had to work and do errands. Unlike him who doesn't work and plays games all day, specially WHILE I am at work.
I said I felt like a single parent of 5 kids because I had to do things for him he could do for himself. I feel like I have to do things for him because if I don't, he won't, and then he'll be pissed at me for not doin it to begin with.. it's a cycle that just has infinite possiblities but always ends up at the same start point.
I love him... I do... I have stuck by this man for 11 years now, through addictions, threats towards my family members (even if I didn't like them either) and complete break downs of mental capacity. I love him. I can't help it. Either I can live with this fact that my husband will never change this path or I can get off of it soon enough to show him it isn't a good one for me or our children, because it isn't. I see that and have seen it for awhile.
I fear the loneliness I will face, the lack of love of another adult, the complete void of compassion of a lover, and the saddness knowing I may cause pain in Jay so harsh he forgets to do what he needs to survive. That last fear alone is the worst of them all because for the sake of my children, they need their father... may not always like him, may pretend to hate him and loath him as they grow, but in the end they will always love him and he won't know it if he isn't here. That weighs my mind heavily ...