So once again Jay seems to have found his not so happy side to bring up and yet it is my fault. My fault we are still in Grafton, my fault he isn't happy here.. oh and I guess I'm not supposed to give him ideas on jobs to look at or even bring it up EVER! even though he will talk about it here and there. I bring it up soooo much more than he does and yet he thinks i'm pushing. I'm done... I can't do it anymore.. How can i say I love him enough to be together anymore when all he can think about is how I flirt with everyone under the sun and i don't do anything worth while for him. I'm not his mom, and i for sure am not his slave or concubine. I have tried to talk to him about things but yet he turns it and makes it my fault or he makes it sound like I said all these things to him at one point so when I deny it it's a whole bunch worse than it really is.
He bought a game - again my fault because he didn't want it in the first place, YET! he said he'd play it too. MY fault we didn't sell the Xbox 360 four/five months ago when we both still played it some and the kids did too. MY fault I still have my job in a place that either he likes one day and respects my bosses to the next its crap and he wants to burn it down. My fault our kids are unhappy - that's where i draw a line now... My children are happy, despite our situation and despite we don't have a lot of money, they are happy children. they don't want a lot, they don't ask for too much and when they do they do understand why we can't get it right then but it goes on our list of wants, things we may be able to have later. They understand that! I have to HELP him choose where to go to school - i can only look at what is offered and where it is located as to renting/buying a place to stay and all that.. We had a lot of this already thought out but then he went and shit on the idea because it didn't work for him. He doesn't like the idea of being away from the kids and I yet he would be willing to get a OTR driving job if he had his CDL. How is that any different? How is him moving to start school and get a job and SAVE money any different? If he is working as well as me, it's easier to save money.. easier to make sure we get things done. If I had to do it, I'd hate it but I'd make use of that time to reflect, work on studies, find a place for my family, and NOT BITCH ABOUT IT! I'm sorry, Jay, but to better our kids' lives... OUR lives, we have to make sacrifices and if it means you move to St Cloud or Minneapolis or WHERE EVER before the rest of us all can, fucking do it! Do it, buck up and be a man about it. Stop thinking that if we aren't all together we aren't going to work. Shit happens anyways. Already know you probably will find some fuck buddy where ever you go, with or without me there... Already know you will always find that ONE person who gets high for fun and join in... Or like recently, you hurt your wrist and suddenly you are out of meds that were supposed last you at least a week, at least by my calculations... but they are gone the day after you got them... and i'm not supposed to speak up about it. I don't because I have tried before and you answer me with the ideas that it's none of my business... doesn't affect me and it won't happen again... said that 5 months ago too... and a year before that.. and however many times before that... Yeah I can't let go of the past... We had sebastian and that same day he came into the world, you went and got pain meds and slept... The first month you disappeared upstairs and did meth and i'm not supposed to be mad still - I was there with Sebastian, trying to do school online and you had excuses as to why you couldn't goto school or how you couldn't work... I called your work to say you wouldn't be there and yet it was the schools fault... Before Ethan you were getting high again and you'd come to bed and no matter how many times i said no, you weren't listening. through the whole pregnancy you were barely home with me.. out getting high, taking my money and using it for pot or pills.. stealing.. and i'm not supposed to be mad......... you were so not there in your head when I couldn't sleep for lack of room on the bed, i was crying in the bathroom.. you came in got mad and shoved me into the tub.. i was 6 months pregnant... told me to grow up and how it was my fault even then.. At least with Akira and Zizi you were clean, for hte most part.. you were more present for them... but not anymore... and I don't think you ever will be anymore... i don't want them to see that... so I will talk to your mom and see what she says because I can't. I can't do it anymore. I don't have it in me to please you how you want me to, and not just intimately but in this real world, I can't do that AND be happy myself and work on what I am working on. I need to come first for me .. and you wouldn't understand. Join a gamer clan for girls/ladies/WOMEN! and so far it's been interesting... i don't play the same games as them all but y'know it's still nice knowing i'm not the only chick gamer (yes i kenw i wasn't anyways but it's the thought!) It's called Girl Tribe Gaming - and lemme say, i think it pissed jason off that i found it cuz now I got peoples to play with and it ticks him off. I will be talking to people and he hates that idea and I don't care. Well Jay hurt his wrist while wrestling with Ethan, our 6 year old. So because of that, he has been almost playing it up (in my eyes at least) that it is soooo bad he went and got pain killers from the dr today. We actually went to the after hours clinic last night but even though i told him they won't give him anything, he still was sure he would get something. He didn't... so he went in today, and only AFTER the nurse said it'd be best because he tried to get me to have the dr just call in a script, and got one anyways!
I'm grateful he has energy to do things now that he has them but at what cost... Bad enough he is out of smokes and is over working himself.. OH and he went through my texts with my sister in law, Cas, where we joked about having a divorce party cuz her relationship with my brother is crap and a sham at this point and I know that Jay is close to filing against me anyways. Not like it probably won't happen soon because of his own fucked up So yesterday after I got off work and went home I somehow was in the wrong. Here is what I did: Got in the door, put my laptop and purse down, took shoes off and then went and sat on the bed. Sebastian hadn't gotten his chore fully done so was upset about that. went to kitchen and got myself a small brownie - in doin that I also gave my kids all little bits seeing as they were still awake and it wasn't even 10pm yet.
I figured since Jay was playing BF4 with people I'd leave him be and not bother asking to play or watch anything and went on to play games on my phone. I was feeling a bit depressed and said as much to a guy both jay and I are friends with online. Fast forward to about midnight --- Jay FINALLY decides to stop playing cuz well he was dieing every two seconds after respawning anyways. He goes out for a cig and I guess while out there read what my convo with Rj (the friend) was about (along with tips on new baby care) and Jay just comes back in and sits on the bed "So why are ou depressed".. well for one I'm tired but can't sleep, kids are up... i told him that I was awhile before that but wasn't at that moment just was in a mood and didn't feel all that great.. PS. it's Aunt Flow weeks to boot... Anyways: RJ was gonna try to stream some game play cuz he wants to get things better set up and I told him i'd help by watching and giving feedback, THIS was all said BEFORE jay was done with the game mind you... So was sittin there with my laptop, looking at OTHER things as well as having a screen open on RJ's twitch and suddenly Jay grabbed his pillow and blanket and went back to the recliner. "FUckit, yeah i'm pissed, I'm sleeping here, like you care" Apparently I'm supposed to watch him play a boring ass game for four-five hours without doing anything else and if he gets done i'm automatically supposed to know he wants to watcha movie... AGAIn! another pointer on that - we have gone through the list of movies on netflix, xbox video AND our own stash over the past week at least and never agree on what to watch anyways, but as i tried to point that out, it is of course my fault we couldn't find something to watch. OH any BTW ladies: if you don't put out for your man, apparently flirting is full bore sex cheating.. even if you dont flirt... Jay told me that in other words a few mornings ago because I didn't want sex - I flirt ALOT i guess with everyone apparently and that is equal to cheating on jason (or intention to cheat??) and because I am Cheating I am not interested in sex with him... I don't know anymore.. I hate sex.. I hate it... it isn't enjoyable anymore, even the thought of it makes me sick.. so i dunno.. i told him this and yet he wants to disregard my feelings and say i'm only saying it cuz it's him.. which is B.S. .... *sigh* oh wells..... guess i'm screwed either way. So we hired a new maid about month and a half back or so - at first she was great, did everything spot on, did extra stuff too.. Now she is forgetting rooms, not doing things how she is supposed to and has had problems with some guests. And i'm so tired of having it all --- not crash on me really but it is like the bosses do lean on me for a lot of things i probably wouldn't normally do a year or two ago.. but just recently Ray (boss #2) found out results of a yearly scan that his cancer is back and on his kidney so in the next month now he should be going in for surgery to get it removed. Gloria (boss #1) is going to expect me to make sure things run smooth (I have done it before, it isn't bad) --- only problem i have now is in the last two-three weeks, T (the newer maid)has caused problems with our weekend maid (S) twice in a row and kind of throughout the time really - she has flirted (heresay at this point but I don't doubt it) and gotten one guy taken off property by his boss even though his co-workers (one of which is his cousin) said she was flirting and even doing his clothes while she was here (it isn't her job to do that, and it isn't even allowed) ... Since FlirtyGuy was eventually fired in the day after or so, T has slacked so much in her duties that all rooms that are staying long term aren't getting done properly. She takes a smoke break every chance she gets. She gets here at 9 am and leaves between 3-5 pm (5 is the latest Gloria will allow her to stay). She claims to be doing laundry at the end of doin rooms but seems to be sitting there by 12 or 1 until 3 at least doin that. This weekend was horrible too... Friday she forgot a room entirely and KNEW it needed to be done (left the door open and untouched) - couple stays said she hadn't cleaned their bathroom areas in the whole week or vacuumed, they waited til S came in to do it. Saturday she opened the office at 9 am and even though she read the note Gloria left about dusting, didn't do any of it, So i did as much as i could (done it before, so not the biggest deal but it is alot and would've liked the help). and then today - she tells me one room is leaving and they werent at all. I left her a note to start the other side of the room dusting til i got here and she didn't do the right section and redid what I'd already done. I'm flustered by her coupled with a few other things that happened this weekend but I can get over it.. I vent here and breathe! ahhhh.. chest lightened and load lifted some, til the bosses get home at least. HA! |
Jen DI will try to write daily but I will definitely get a blog post in weekly between kids, work, school, and life in general. Archives
April 2016
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